"i’m not bitter" i say, bitterly, with a bitter expression

(via fuckyeahloldemort)


if i die resurrect me with this video

(via doonarose)


A high school banned the marching band from playing Fall Out Boy songs because the lyrics were suggestive.

A marching band

Isn’t allowed to play Fall Out Boy 

Because of suggestive lyrics

Marching bands are instrumental

(via youbitmegood)


How we beat the heat in Australia. Ice cold can on a warm belly.

(via theocatsman)



when we were babies my dad was a stay-at-home dad while my mom kicked ass in the courtroom but he would carry my twin brother and me around with one baby on the front and one on his back in backpacks

and women would come up and look at how cute i was and coo over me and be like “awww how cute wow”

and my dad would be like, “YOU KNOW WHAT’S CUTER THAN ONE BABY”

and then he’d spin around

and BAM

there was my brother

I love everything about this. 

(via uncomfortablecarrot)


once i got very drunk in a bar and my mum had to pick me up so i was trying to act normal by keeping the conversation so i asked her if shes a virgin and she looked at me with pain in her eyes and said “i wish i was”

(via orgasmic-humor)


my favorite college experience is when i had a 7am class and the kid next to me literally poured a monster energy drink into his coffee said “i’m going to die” and drank the whole thing

(via humpinghippogriffs)


me as hell

me as hell

me as hell


could you please fill out this quick survey for me?


(via orgasmic-humor)